Understand levels of commitment in dating relationship

He's 41. He's single. And he feels betrayed.

He has been dating her for three months. Meets her through a dating service. Really likes her. A one-hour meeting for coffee turns into three hours of laughter, sparks and conversation.

So they date. Restaurants, phone calls, e-mails. They double-date with his friends. They kiss ... and kiss and kiss and kiss. He invites her over to his home. He cooks her dinner. Twelve hours later he's at that same stove, tending her breakfast, which she eats in his bathrobe on the back porch.

But today he sits in my office to say it has all come crashing down. She isn't exclusive. She is seeing other men. And has been since the day they met.

Mind you, he didn't "catch her" at this. He didn't catch her in a lie. She never lied. Nope. Three months into a relationship that includes sex, he finally got around to asking. And she answered.

And he's angry with her. Certain that she has done him wrong. So, he's surprised and a bit irritated with me when I ask him, with all sincerity, "Now, tell me again, what, exactly, is your grievance with her?"

"She should have told me she was seeing other people," he says with indignant certainty.

I'm not sold. So I ask him: "How does your moral claim against her stack up to the claim you have against yourself? I mean, let's say you convinced me that she has deceived you. Didn't you willingly deceive yourself long before that?"

And now he falls into that holy containment of silence where only the brave go to look at themselves. (A not-so-secret professional indulgence of mine is that I really enjoy admiring brave people.)

What stopped him from asking before he extended his heart? Before sex? Why would he set it up to make her responsible to guard and protect values he had never explicitly shared? Why would he now hold her accountable for promises she never made? Promises he blithely inferred?

I think of commitment in dating relationships as following a continuum. Here's a good general rule: The deeper our investment of vulnerability, emotions and values, the more concrete we need to be about asking questions.

Most people, I think, during the first few dates would find it premature and just plain odd to be cornered with questions such as "Are you dating anybody else?" or "Are we exclusive?"

But, later, and especially if we begin to notice a peculiar affection developing, we respect ourselves by asking: "What's happening, do you think, here between us? Is this just us? Or are you seeing other people?"

The next step on the continuum is exclusivity-in-fact (but not intention). Meaning, no, in fact, I'm not seeing/sleeping with anyone else. And I'm not looking. But, truth be told, there is nothing of necessity that would stop me from noticing and quite possibly responding to someone, should the right person cross my path.

The next step is exclusivity-in-fact attached to an explicit promise. We decide -- out loud and with words -- that each owes the other full disclosure. That is, I'll tell you if I am dating someone else. And you'll likewise tell me.

The next step is exclusivity-by-intention. You're off the market. When other potential dates cross your path, the answer is, "No, I have a boy/girlfriend ... I'm in a committed relationship."

Next we have exclusivity with an expressed intention to explore "a future." That's why you're here. That's why you're exclusive. You think you see a future. And you desire that.

And last is exclusivity with a radical, covenant commitment to permanence. For most people, the question of marriage arises. This is way more than "I don't date/sleep with anybody else." Now it's "I'll see you through cancer" ... "good times and bad" ... "I'll walk you to your grave."

Some couples navigate these steps one at a time. Others bite off several steps at once. But each step represents different levels of investment. And each level of investment exposes increasing vulnerabilities in your hierarchy of values.

So, don't mean to be crude, but if you're not ready to be candid in revealing your most precious values, then how is it you think you're ready to reveal body parts? If you're the sort of person whose sexuality is in every case tied to important values, then why would you be explicit with your body before it occurred to you to be explicit with your words?

Wouldn't you ask first?

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). His columns appear on Sundays. Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.