Mediocre sex may involve matters outside bedroom

I just finished an intense relationship with a man. Problems occurred in the sexual realm of our relationship (of course, in other areas also, as the spillover works both ways).

After being in the singles scene for many years since my divorce, I've run into the same problem time after time. It's the same for my girlfriends, once we shared what was happening to us in the bedroom. Men do not seem to know how to sexually please a woman. I've tried to explain what I need outside of the bedroom, showed what I like ... all to no avail. A steel curtain comes down and there is no recognition of what was said or discussed. There is no further communication on the subject.

Are they aware how inadequate their lovemaking skills are? Are they afraid to admit it? Do they not know how much information on female sexuality is out there? Why are they afraid to ask their partner to show them how? We are tired of the indifference to our needs in a sexual relationship. I honestly don't believe men want sex to be a one-way street. I believe they desire a mutually satisfying relationship just as we do. Perhaps you can help us help them.

-- J.G., Las Vegas

Ah, the coincidence of timing. Just yesterday I led a workshop for very brave couples called "Erotic Adventures in Couplehood." It's intense. Direct. To the point. Every time I lead this workshop, I have colleagues tell me, "Don't you worry that the title is going to drive some people away?"

"Yes," I say simply. And by that I mean the workshop isn't for everyone. If the workshop has a working thesis, it's that everybody wants great sex, though an astonishing number of people aren't willing to do the work of selfhood necessary to have great sex.

There are only so many ways to explain why a man is a mediocre or lousy lover. For example, the man could be acting out some combination of laziness and selfishness. I put these two ideas together because it seems obvious to me that laziness in a committed relationship must be ultimately selfish.

Yet, in sexual courtship, I suspect such men are rare, if for no other reason than most men have a natural ego attachment to being good lovers. Pleasing our partners isn't just something for our partners; most men -- even lazy, self-centered men -- enjoy the ego rush of self-satisfaction from knowing they have turned their partner inside out in bed.

I suppose some men could be ignorant of female anatomy and the mechanics of great sex. Again, I suspect such men are rare. And, even if a man was ignorant, I wouldn't first encourage him to go to the library. I would presuppose the couple would communicate. Part of the joy of developing great sexual courtship with a mate is "What do you like? ... Show me ... Lead me ... Teach me." Pleasing your partner is like playing Blind Man's Bluff ... but without the blindfold.

At the end of the day, most mediocre or lousy lovers are simply trapped and afraid. They arrange their world to avoid at all cost the work of selfhood, intimacy and vulnerability that alone make great sex possible. And you're right about "spillover" -- a man dodging this work in sexual courtship will almost certainly be dodging this work in many or all other aspects of the relationship. Sex has a consistent way of distilling the wider dynamics of love relationships.

The "tell" in the relationships you describe is not mediocre sex. Rather, the "tell" is that your man is stonewalling. Steel curtain? No recognition? No further communication? Such things indicate a much bigger problem than inferior sex. A man behaving thusly is telling you something about himself that goes far beyond his prowess in the bedroom.

My encouragement to you and your friends would be that you stop shaping this inquiry as encouraging/teaching men to be better lovers. Rather, I urge you to commit yourselves fiercely to some non-negotiables:

1. I don't date men with "steel curtains";

2. I don't date men who won't look deeply at themselves;

3. I don't date men who are indifferent to my needs;

4. I don't date men who won't talk or who believe they are The Decider about what we talk about, how long and when.

You aren't looking for a man who is good in bed. You are looking for a man whose love for you is greater than his desire to protect himself. Such men are eminently teachable.

Originally published in View News, March 8, 2011.